I suspect that they discovered that lead paint chips are tasty

Just because McCain is a candidate does not mean his old age does not effect him.

Sarah Palin is using all of her assets to get some exposure now.

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”

A freshly elected Barack Obama is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen when a little man comes up to him.

“Excuse me Mr. President but my name is Jason Prins and I’m here with an extremely important client tonight. We’re going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, “Hello Jason”.

President Obama, eager to please, readily agrees and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by deep in conversation with his client. Obama approached him and said ” Hello Jason.”

The little man says “F**k off, Barrack! I’m in a meeting!” and keeps walking.

One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas.

As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary’s old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello’s and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.

As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey… if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner.”

She smirked and replied, “No Bill, if I had stayed with him… he would have been the President of the United States!”

Acute: Opposite of an ugly

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do to dead patients

Benign: What you are after you’re eight.

Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U

Cat scan: Searching for a kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Concussion: A prisoner’s sofa

Congenital: To be friendly

D & C: Where the White House is

Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

GI series: A soldier ball game

Hangnail: A coat hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Jaundice: To include in a group

Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives

Labor pain: Getting hurt at work

Leper: A wild cat

Malaria: Shopping place

Medical staff: A doctor’s cane

Morbid: A higher bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: Was aware of

Outpatient: A person who fainted

Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.

Rectum: It almost killed him

Rheumatic: Amorous

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: A Roman emperor

Serology: Study of English Knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tumor: More than one

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Varicose: Nearby

Vein: Conceited

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary “I went to high school with you”. She recognized him and agreed with him.

Later as they were driving down the road Bill said “If you had married him you wouldn’t be married to the President”.

Hillary said “Oh yes I would–he would be President.”

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ’somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks “What’s the deal with the clocks?”

St. Peter replies “There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth.”

Hillary asks, “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”

St. Peter replies, “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery.”

Hillary asks, “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”

St. Peter replies, “Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan.”