An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, “Yes ma’am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it Pasteurized?”

The blonde replied, “Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”

Announcement:

It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride’s parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000.” will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you aint doing nothin’ on the 14th of March, why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock. Me and Jennifer’s having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin’.”

Proper attire:

For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.” No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big “they” are.

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The ceremony:

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…” tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.

Reception:

Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that’s bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.

When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!

Common wedding questions and answers:

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”

Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”

Johnson: “But I want you to.”

Wife: “But why?”

Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”

Acute: Opposite of an ugly

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do to dead patients

Benign: What you are after you’re eight.

Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U

Cat scan: Searching for a kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Concussion: A prisoner’s sofa

Congenital: To be friendly

D & C: Where the White House is

Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

GI series: A soldier ball game

Hangnail: A coat hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Jaundice: To include in a group

Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives

Labor pain: Getting hurt at work

Leper: A wild cat

Malaria: Shopping place

Medical staff: A doctor’s cane

Morbid: A higher bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: Was aware of

Outpatient: A person who fainted

Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.

Rectum: It almost killed him

Rheumatic: Amorous

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: A Roman emperor

Serology: Study of English Knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tumor: More than one

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Varicose: Nearby

Vein: Conceited

Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.

As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary “I went to high school with you”. She recognized him and agreed with him.

Later as they were driving down the road Bill said “If you had married him you wouldn’t be married to the President”.

Hillary said “Oh yes I would–he would be President.”

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ’somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks “What’s the deal with the clocks?”

St. Peter replies “There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth.”

Hillary asks, “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”

St. Peter replies, “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery.”

Hillary asks, “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”

St. Peter replies, “Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan.”

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, “Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”

“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”

“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.”

“That’s not why it’s there.”

“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”

“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he’s falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn’t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he’s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, “Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!”

The guy flying up looks down and yells, “No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!”

US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he’s gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.